14. DC United
Last season finish: 27 points; 14th in East, 28th in League (Wooden Spoon)
Player to watch: ST Christian Benteke
DC United is tied with Chicago in sadness. The league's first dynasty has become a pit of ambition and joy outside of a brief renaissance led by Wayne Rooney and Luciano Acosta.
Rooney is back --- now behind the touchline --- but the team is lacking top end talent. Former Premier League stars Mateusz Klich and Christian Benteke will try and lead a veteran DC team back to the playoffs, but it's hard to see this team competing in 2023.